Thursday, January 7, 2016

No one needs that many air bags!

I'm on a roll lately. I just crafted a pretty good piece of hyperbole that perfectly matched a ridiculous meme comparing guns and cars. Here's what I wrote on that one:
I didn't know that cars were a right! Cool! And of course, the government needs to be the ones to control all of that safety gear, even if the constitution said that everyone has a right to own seatbelts and airbags. How could the framers possibly have foreseen the use of super-strong, almost unbreakable materials when all they were using was woven cotton or wool? Ridiculous! And besides that, everyone knows that only rational and peaceful people like me choose not to buy those dangerous implements. Nuts who think the government is going to take their cars surely don't need extra safety precautions that exceed mine. It offends me that they believe their right to be as safe as they choose doesn't agree with my right to demand that their rights be removed! Because of this, I demand that the government ensure my ability to force those who have extra safety gear to get rid of them. If we can't do that yet, lets make them register so that the government will be better able to control those who legally purchase their equipment, while ignoring the illegal black market seatbelts and side air bags that the criminals have, some of which were even distributed by the government. That shouldn't matter, because my right to not have something I don't like should outweigh their right to have it! 
The government's job is to make sure my neighbors never have a car that is safer than mine, because no one really NEEDS that much safety gear. The only reason to ever have that much is simply because you want to make sure you're going to survive, which is totally wrong since that equipment is scary looking and makes me uncomfortable, and you probably only got it to look cool instead of ensuring your safety even if the people who don't have all of that die. How awful! It's simply psychotic, I tell you.. these seat-belt nuts just don't have any sense, so we now must enact common-sense seat belt laws to force them to curtail their zealous purchases of items intended to save their lives. People who don't believe in too much safety gear want to make sure that your ability to survive a crash never exceeds their own, even though its been shown that criminals who install illegal safety gear never follow the laws, anyway, because.. well, they're criminals.
Oh, and did you even get proper training for all those buckles and straps? You did? Well, someone else didn't so clearly, you should have to suffer because of it. I know! Lets make those permits for airbags exceeding some arbitrary minimum that has no correlation to safety at all, and is primarily driven by being as inclusive to those poor disadvantaged folk who just never wanted all that extra responsibility of learning how to use the best protection they could get. They should be so expensive that only people who make more than $25 an hour can afford to get extra belts!

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